I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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