Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
