Where is the hickey?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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