theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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