i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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