I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
