That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
