"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
