there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
