i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
