dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I want a musical about memes.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
