im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
