3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i believe in u and ur pee
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
