i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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