You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the day after is always just damage control
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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