my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
