i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
