now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
