My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
