Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
