Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i wish my penis had a tongue
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
