Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
