you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
