FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
