Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
