i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Randomize
