just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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