We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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