If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
