my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
