I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
