Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
