you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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