I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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