My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
