K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Buhtt sex?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
