God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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