i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
