he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
