it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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