maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
