In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
