I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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