listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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