Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
