im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
