there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
