I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
