TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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