ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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