im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
