totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
