A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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