You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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