I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
