You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
