Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My ass is underappreciated
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize