as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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