I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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