So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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